If golfers couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane. Get your weekend started with a laugh with these 14 hilarious jokes for you to tell your buddies on the course.
Vacation
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gentlemen.
He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball.
He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 270 yards out.
With a big smile, he asks the others “In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland.”
After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
Fatherly Advice
A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son.
Soon, you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before.
Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.
You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.”
He added, “But don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal…it’s called golf.”
Women’s Tees
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Sam was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please back up to the men’s tee.”
Sam remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.
A little louder: “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”
Sam raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?”
Magellan
Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”
Don’t count your golf balls before they hatch
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and you have to buy more by the end of the week.
Wedding Day
A man is getting married and is standing by his bride at the church.
Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
And the man said “This is not going to take all day is it?”
Voice From Above
Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, “Hit the new Titleist Pro V.”
The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.
The voice comes back, “Never mind, hit a range ball.”
Newlyweds
As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
Quick Wit
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddie: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
Coincidence
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, “Kid, you’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world.”
The caddie replies, “Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
Obituary
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says, “Well then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died.’”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.’”
Lost Ball
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Jim remarked to a fellow club member’, “I’m not going to play golf with Paul anymore. He cheats.”
“Why do you say that?” asked his friend.
“Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green,” replied Jim indignantly.
“That’s entirely possible,” commented his friend.
“Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket,” retorted Jim with finality.
Fortune Teller
A golfer asks: “Are there golf courses in Heaven?”
The fortune teller replies: “I have good news, and I have bad news…”
Golfer: “So what’s the good news?”
Fortune Teller: “The good news is that Heaven’s golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
Golfer: “How could there be any bad news with that?”
Fortune Teller: “You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
Fairways and Greens
A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”
The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
