20 Of The Funniest Golf Jokes We’ve Ever Heard
Golf may seem like a serious, dignified sport on the surface, but there is plenty of humor to be found out on the links.
From outrageous player antics and equipment mishaps to the often absurd rules of the game, there is no shortage of comedic fodder around golf.
Read on for a collection of hilarious golf jokes alluding to the never-ending frustration of trying to get the ball in the hole. Lighten up and get ready to tee off with laughter!
The Best Thing That Happened All Day
After a terrible round ofgolf when nothing seemed to go right, Ed took his troubles to the 19th hole for a few drinks.
The bartender noticed his despondency, and asked him about his round.
“I hooked my ball when I wanted to slice; I sliced it when I wanted it to hook, had too many 3-putts, lost 5 balls in water hazards and visited way too many sand traps,” Ed said. “It was just a terrible round.”
“Oh come now, something must have gone right at least once,” the bartender responded.
“Well,” said Ed, “the best thing that happened all day was I lost my scoring pencil on the second hole.”
(Submitted by reader Ed M.)
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the clubhead.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
What’s Your Room Number?
A guy was on the golf trip of a lifetime in Scotland. He was playing the best courses in the world, but e couldn’t make a putt over three feet.
After yet another miss, the golfer slammed his putter into the turf and said. “I would rather find my wife in bed with a stranger than three putt agin.”
His caddie weighed the words, then asked “What is your room number?”
(Submitted by reader Sam M.)
A Few Votes Short
Mark and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Mark says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering…have you ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh Mark, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”
“Well, all right. Yes, three times…” she admitted.
“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.
“Well, Mark, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?” he asked.
“Well, Mark, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?” she said.
“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number three?” he asked, racking his brain.
“Well, Mark, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”
Look Like Yours?
Four guys were enjoying a round of golf when they reached the 18th tee. The first three guys put their balls in the fairway while the last guy drove a brand new Titleist over the fence and into a field. He told his friends to finish up and that he would meet them in the clubhouse.
A half-hour went by and finally, the fourth golfer showed up in the bar all beat up with bumps and cuts on his head, bleeding all over. One of his fellow golfers asked what the heck had happened?
He told them the story.
“Over the fence, there were a bunch of cows,” he said. “I noticed one cow was moaning and carrying on like crazy, so I slowly lifted her tail and there was a ball stuck in the you-know-what.
“Gladly it wasn’t mine, but at about that time, a lady came over the fence looking for her ball. I told her to come over and I’d show her something. I raised the tail on that cow and said to her, ‘does that look like yours?’
“After that, I don’t remember much.”
Pick A Night!
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”
Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Tiger asks, “You play golf?”
Wonder replies, “Oh yeah, I’ve been playing for years.”
And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”
Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.
“Well,” Stevie says, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”
Stevie says, “Pick a night!”
Back Up
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
“Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!” the voice boomed.
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Jim had had enough.
He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!?”
A Long Putt
Two men walk up to a relatively long par 3.
The golfer says to his caddy, “Looks like a 4-wood and a putter.”
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet in front of him.
The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds, “It looks like you’ve got one hell of a putt left!”
What Happened?
Two couples play golf together regularly at their club. On the sixth hole — a par-4 — the second shot into the green calls for an 80-yard carry over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, could never carry the water and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.
Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist. Rumor had it that being hypnotized could be of help in such a situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.
In those sessions, Mrs. Smith was hypnotized and the therapist would “plant suggestions” that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole Mrs. Smith would not see water, but rather a lush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.
About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith. No one had seen her playing golf at the club for nearly four months.
“You didn’t hear?” the club member responded. “She drowned in the lake on No. 6!”
I Forgot
An elderly couple was talking about golf.
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife, Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” Jack said.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf,” protested Jack.
“He’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
“Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
Scott looked at him confused. “I forgot.”
Trouble Out Of Bunkers
An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!
The 80-year-old man did nothing to dispel that notion.
“I hit the ball pretty good,” he said, “but I have a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers.”
“Aha!” thought the whippersnappers. “Our course doesn’t have many deep bunkers, but there are tons of shallow ones and if he struggles getting out of the sand, we’ll take his money for sure.”
When the 80-year-old showed up for his first round at his new course, Harvey was waiting.
“Would you like to play?” he asked the old man. “And maybe we can make it interesting; what do you say, put a little money on it?”
The 80-year-old agreed and he and Harvey set out to play.
“How many strokes do you need?” asked Harvey, who was only 55.
“Oh, I don’t need any strokes,” the old man said. “My game is really good. The only problem I’m having right now is getting out of deep bunkers.”
Harvey was a pretty good player, but the old man was really good. He was striping the ball. If not for Harvey’s 25-year age advantage, the old man would have been far ahead.
The old man even hit the ball great on a couple bunker shots.
“Hmmm,” Harvey thought, “he said he had trouble out of deep bunkers, and we haven’t really got to one of those yet … just be patient, I know he’ll find one of the deep bunkers around the 17th green.”
Sure enough, Harvey and the old man reached the par-3 17th hole tied, and the old man promptly put his tee ball right smack in the middle of the big, deep bunker in front of the green.
“I’ve got him now!” Harvey thought.
The 80-year-old slid down into the bunker and took his stance over the ball. Then he took a perfect swing and floated the ball up out of the bunker. It hit perfectly on the fringe, took one little hop and rolled to within two feet of the cup before stopping.
Harvey had seen enough.
“Dang it!” he shouted at the old man, who was still in the bunker. “I thought you said you had a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers!”
“Oh, I do,” the 80-year-old said, reaching out to Harvey. “Can you give me a hand?”
Move Heaven and Earth
Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit far too many fat shots.
Finally, he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course.”
“Try Heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the Earth.”
Believe In Genies?
A couple was playing golf one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, “Come on in.”
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people who broke my window?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“No, actually, I want to thank you. I’m a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes — I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Okay, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem — it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie replied.
“And what’s your wish, genie?” the husband said.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I can look the other way.”
The genie took the wife upstairs. After they slept together, the genie looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”
“55,” she replied.
The man smiled and said, “And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing.”
Your 6-Iron
John and Bill, two friends of equal ability, decide to play a round of golf together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the first hole, a long par-5, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards away.
They drive up for their second shots and John hits his shot again down the middle, setting up an easy approach. But Bill slices his second shot over into the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.
“Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” Bill says.
“Oh no,” says his friend. “We agreed; play it as it lies.”
So, Bill drops John off in front of the green and drives over to his ball on the cart path. John watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent and then he looked on in amazement as Bill hit a perfectly struck shot that landed on the green and rolled to within three feet of the pin.
Pleased, Bill drives up to the green as John approaches.
“Great shot back there!” John said. “What club did you use?”
Bill smiled and replied, “Your 6-iron.”
Told Her I Was 90
A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends, but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
“Guys, meet my new fiancée,” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.
For the rest of the afternoon, his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty. After the round of golf, the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.
One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re 70. She must be at least 40 years younger than you!”
The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”
His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”
“I told her I was 90.”
I Can See Your Feet
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. You love golf more than me. Don’t bother coming after me.”
She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk toward the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few seconds, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy lingerie,” he said. “I love you; can’t wait to see you.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. I’ll be back in five minutes.”
(Submitted by reader Joe F.)
Addicted To Golf
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did was go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Tour, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and a small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.
“What happened? Why are you screaming?” the guy asked his wife.
“Why wouldn’t I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!”
Mind If I Borrow Your Clubs?
Every time Peter — the guy next door — headed toward Paul’s house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something. Peter was always borrowing stuff and it was driving Paul mad.
“Peter won’t get away with it this time,” Paul muttered to his wife. “Watch this.”
“I wonder if you’ll be using your hedge trimmer this morning?” Peter asked.
“Crikey, I’m terribly sorry,” Paul said with a smug look, “but the fact of the matter is I’ll be using it all day.”
“In that case, you won’t be using your golf clubs… Mind if I borrow those?”
A Sin Any Day
After church one Sunday, one of the churchgoers walked up to his priest and asked a question.
“Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sundays?” he asked.
“My son,” said the priest, putting his hand on the man’s shoulder, “I’ve seen your golf game; it’s a sin any day.”
Mild Heart Attack
A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.
“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”
“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”
The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf swing — the grip, the takeaway, the power.
“You can now crush every golfer in the world,” the genie says, “except your wife, who’s gonna beat you like a drum.”
The guy is a little bummed about that, so for his second wish he asks to be the world’s richest man.
“It’s done,” says the genie. “But don’t forget that your wife can now buy and sell you 10 times over. One wish left.”
“OK,” the guy says. “For my last wish, I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”
