Finding a new caddie can be a difficult task. Thankfully, Rory McIlroypotentially has until 2018 to find a permanent replacement for his longtime caddie J.P Fitzgerald. After announcing that his rib injury is still not fully healed at the PGA Championship, the four-time major champion quite frankly doesn’t know when, or even if, he will return to competitive golf this year.
That gives him plenty of time to sift through the caddie applicants who are vying for the 28-year-old’s bag. One of the more interesting applications McIlroy has received so far has to be from a fellow Tour caddie who wasn’t shy in offering his services publicly.
— Joel Dahmen (@Joel_Dahmen) August 14, 2017
I would like to formally apply for the position of being your full-time caddie. I currently work for Tour Pro Joel Dahmen and have been with him for 3 years. I’ve helped lead Joel to a solo 68thfinish at the Reno-Tahoe Open, T80 MDF in Puerto Rico, and also helped him make 4 consecutive birdies in the Sanderson Farms Championship. Please don’t think I’m sneaking around behind Joel’s back trying to get another job. I think Joel himself may also be applying for the position.
If you hire me it wouldn’t be awkward at all because we already know each other. We played in front of you on Saturday at the Travelers and during the wait on 4 tee box, I asked you if you wanted a water (which you politely declined). So we’re pretty much best friends already.
Things that I excel at as a caddie:
-I’m really good with numbers … especially at elevation. What? You want me to take 2% off of 157 yards … BAM. 154. (do you want decimal points? I know you’re good but Joel and I usually work in whole yards.)
-I’m ALWAYS on time. In fact, I’m always way early. I’m typing this on my way to Wyndham where I am 3 hours early at the airport.
-I am an EXCELLENT bunker raker. In fact, I would say I’m one of the best in the world. if they had bunker raking contests on tour, I would lead in every possible statistic.
-Once upon a time, I was one of the best Archers in the world (as a youth). so I have a weird ability to know exactly how far you are from the pin just by looking at it (inside 70 yards). So if I don’t step anything off, and tell you it’s 58 yards … it’s 58 yards.
-During practice rounds, I like making bets on various shots. Joel and I have a running $5 bet on any given shot, and then give odds with the degree of difficulty. I’ve made an extra $370 this year betting on 3 footers. It’s a nice little supplemental income
Things I request from you as a player:
-If we both read a putt to go left and it doesn’t go left. Please don’t yell at me. It’s not like I was trying to sabotage you.
-If we agree on a club, then you chunk the sh** out of it and yell are me for “giving you a bad club” I’ll probably eat it and say “sorry pro”, but please know that in my head I will be thinking something about how you should hit a better shot.
-If it’s our first time playing a course, and you hit one 175 yards off line and immediately ask me “what’s over there” odds are I have no idea.
My shortcomings as a caddie:
-If you make me keep our playing partners score, I sometimes lose track of what they made on a hole because I’m so focused on what we’re doing (see what I did there? Turned a negative into a positive)
-I’m not sure if I’m any good at tending the pin. In the 3 years I’ve been caddying, I’ve never once tended one. Joel just has me pull it. he says if he can’t see the hole, what are the chances of making it anyway. he kind of knows where it’s at.
Anyway, you probably have a lot of follow up questions you’d like to ask me. Go ahead and have your agent get a hold of my agent and I’m sure we can figure something out.
While Bonnalie laid out the pros, cons and everything else he believes goes into a healthy player-caddie relationship, the folks at Golf Central Daily came up with an equally funny parody video of the criteria “Rory” — voiced by Steven P. Connolly — is looking for in his new looper, such as laughing at all his jokes and making sure there are full-size Twix bars stocked in his bag.
Rory McIlroy tells press exact criteria he is looking for in his next caddie!!
RT for Steven Connolly! Absolute comic impersonator genius!! pic.twitter.com/9vKwN50Oh2
— GolfCentralDaily (@golfcentraldoc) August 14, 2017
— — —
Keep yourself up-to-date with the latest goings-on in the world of golf by following the SwingxSwing Clubhouse on social media. We share stories, stats and breaking news on Twitter, keep the fun going off the course on Instagram and share any and all golf-related topics on Facebook.
Never be the odd golfer out when your friends are talking about the latest or funniest happenings in golf. Sign up for the SxS newsletter today!